‘Enough’, it’s such a little word and yet it holds so much meaning. ‘I’ve eaten enough.’ ‘I’ve had enough.’ ‘I’ve done enough.’ ‘I haven’t done enough.’ But rarely do we thing we are enough.
And after you leave the narcissist it’s the last thing you feel. You feel broken. You feel disappointed. You feel jilted. You feel terrified. You feel like, what if… What if I had just done this or what if I had just done that, then maybe he would have loved me.
Maybe I could have been enough.
But the point is…the only person who knows, who can decide if you’re enough is you. You decide. You look in the mirror and you say to yourself, ‘I am enough.’ And then the narcissist no longer has any power…actually, no one does.
When you know that you are enough, everything changes.
And it isn’t someone else’s job or responsibility to decide it for you.
You know that’s one of the great things about us, about life and it’s not something they teach in schools and they should, they definitely should. We get to decide that we’re enough and we get to decide if we’re not. And so often we make the wrong choice. So often we hear every little criticism ringing through our head on a never ending loop like a record we can’t shut off. So often we forget the compliments that we hear, we forget our talents, we forget who we are.
We forget the things that make us uniquely US.
We’re so busy looking outward that we forget to look inward.
When I originally thought about writing about narcissism I did so much research. I thought I would be writing about what a narcissist does and how he treats us and how we get manipulated, and I do write about that, I do know that, but in the end it came down to, ‘I am enough.’ In the end the lesson learned was not, how to beat him, although I know how to do it. In the end the lesson learned was not ‘ways to spot a narcissist,’ although I know how to do that too. In the end the lesson learned was ‘I am enough.’
It’s so funny because Narcissus in the original Greek story fell in love with his own image. He fell in love with his mirror. And if you look at what the narcissist does for us, he is our mirror. He holds up that mirror to us and we have to see and feel everything that we have not yet healed. And he holds up that mirror and we don’t understand what it is we’re seeing.
In the beginning you know it’s like that mirror and what we do see is all of the great things about us. He’s reflecting everything back. And that’s why when he stops reflecting those things we feel so heartbroken. Because just as we were beginning to think we were enough, just as we were beginning to love ourselves the mirror that he was holding up darkened.
And all of his wounds were put in the place of our perfection. And all of his pain is what we got to feel and we took it all because for an instant, for a moment in the very beginning we were enough, and we just wanted to feel enough again.
We get broken down by things. People leave. Sometimes they ghost us. Sometimes the people we thought would always be in our lives suddenly disappear. We don’t know why. We blame ourselves. We sort through the minutia of text messages, voice notes and wonder what we did wrong.
We spend so much time in that space, of what we did wrong, that we forget to live in the space of what we’re doing right.
When the narcissist that almost destroyed me…when I had my ‘dark night of the soul’ after him, it was the only time in my life I ever thought about hurting myself and it lasted for a moment, a mere second, and it was that moment, it was that second, that I thought, ‘No, No’, no one gets to decide that for me. Nobody gets that much POWER over me.
Everything changed in that moment. In that split second when I wasn’t sure I still wanted to be here and that’s all it was, a split second, and when that happened my whole world changed because I thought,
‘No one gets that much power. No one gets to make that decision.’
And that’s the moment I started to heal, when I hit rock bottom, I suppose, that was it for me. And I realized I’d spent my whole life not knowing that I was enough. I spent my whole life listening to records in my head, from girls who had bullied me, from the sorority girls who’d blackballed me. From boys who decided to tell me everything they thought was wrong with me. And those, those were the records I kept hearing. I didn’t hear or remember the people who were my friends. I didn’t hear or remember the good things. But boy oh boy, did I remember everything negative.
The narcissist is our window, even more than our mirror, I think he’s our window. He’s a window into our souls, into who we were before we started listening to those old records.
In a way, he just may be our savior in the form of a dark angel.
Because when you fall, you have no choice but to get up and rise again …
Many thanks to @marisapeertherapy for the words, ‘I Am Enough.’