The narcissist. It’s him. It’s her. He ruined my life. She destroyed my happiness, It’s him, him, him. It’s her, her, her.
Where are you in all of this?
Who is in control of your life?
Who is responsible for how you feel about things?
Who chooses what you think, what you say, how you react?
Do you see where I’m going with this?
If you can’t hold two competing thoughts in your head at the same time then how is it you can blame the narcissist for all that is wrong in your life, for everything that happened in your relationship and say that he made you feel bad?
This is a fundamental part in healing from narcissistic abuse. You always had the power, but you relinquished it to someone else. In a way being with a narcissist feels like a Spock mind-melding trick from Star Trek. You align yourself so closely with the needs of the narcissist that you forget your own. You cease to see yourself as a separate entity.
The relationship is always a parasitic dance, but the common thought is that only the narcissist is a parasite, but that’s not true. It’s mutual. Look at the evolution of the relationship.
It begins with the love bombing phase where everything is golden and beautiful. Ask yourself what you got from that. Admiration, an ego boost, a feeling of belonging, all of these things were being ‘given’ to you by the narcissist. It never occurred to you to give these very things to yourself.
When the narcissist ‘changed’, what happened? Why did your self worth fall apart when this person ceased to behave in a way that you liked? Can you not admire yourself? Did all of the good things the narcissist said in the beginning suddenly become negated because he or she was no longer saying them? Why did you value his or her beliefs about you more than you valued your own?
Again this speaks to the idea that you can’t have two competing thoughts in your head at the same time. Are you only beautiful, handsome, smart, clever, kind, witty, or compassionate when the narcissist says it? Of course not. That’s why when you blame the narcissist you inadvertently hand him or her the responsibility for how you see yourself and this is when you become the parasite. When you are feeding off of the narcissist’s praise instead of raising your own flag, instead of centering yourself and saying I’m good enough then you are participating in the parasitic dance.
Now, let’s look at the ego. In the world of narcissism, the narcissist is often referred to as having a ‘false self.’ This false self grew as a way to protect the narcissist from a trauma suffered as a child. Well, hold onto your hats, but that is a whole bunch of bullshit. It’s a way for ‘us’ to create a dynamic where ‘we’ are above the narcissist.
Everyone has a false self. It’s called the ego. It’s why it puffs up. Haven’t you ever said among your girlfriends, ‘Well, he’s going to miss me when I’m gone,’ or ‘I don’t know why he chose her.’ ‘Her nose is too big’ or ‘She has love handles.’ If you’ve ever made a negative comparison to another woman or man then your false self was raised up and attacking. A ‘false self’ is just another word for ego and guess what?
It gets in the way… a lot.
Why do you get anxious or angry when someone doesn’t text or call you back? Are they actually hurting you, or are the stories you are playing in your head about why they aren’t responding hurting you?
Have you ever had the experience where you think bad things about a friend, maybe you’ve gossiped about them or you’ve heard something and then the next time you see them your friend seems off. You suddenly like your friend less.
When you project all of those things onto someone then guess what happens? Your energy changes and as a result so does theirs. You can actually ruin a friendship just by thinking consistently bad thoughts about that person. If you think that’s not true, do an experiment.
Before you meet a friend think about one thing that annoys you about them. Magnify it in your mind and then meet that friend for a coffee and see how you feel and watch their reaction. Then switch your thoughts to everything you like about your friend, feel the change in you and see how their reaction changes.
And guess what happens when you get involved with someone high on the narcissistic spectrum and you have pre-determining factors in your subconscious about how you expect to be treated? The same phenomenon happens. The parasitic dance revs up even higher, because anticipation of your needs not being met crashes into the narcissist’s feelings of unworthiness and then bam… a huge escalation of the ego’s version of a cage fight.
Think of it like this. Have you ever gone into a test and thought, ‘I’m going to do really well.’ Your confidence is high. That’s how people who have healthy relationship dynamics operate. That’s why when this kind of person sees a red flag like a silent treatment they don’t think, ‘Oh my God, what have I done?’ A person with healthy relationship dynamics takes pause and thinks, ‘Is this behavior I want in a partner?’ They certainly don’t think, ‘What move do I need to make to stop this? Maybe if I call him crying he’ll understand how much he’s hurting me and stop.’ (Because that always works)
Psychology gives names to these behaviors, ‘co-dependency’, ‘overly empathetic’, ‘people-pleaser’, but for some reason the idea that’s it’s just the ego trying to get needs met isn’t addressed. Is it too simple? Is it easier to slap a label on something and create beliefs around that label?
Ask yourself, ‘When did narcissism become a thing? Why is everyone a narcissist now?’
If you look at history, narcissists or raging egos have always been roaming. What is war, other than one side believing it knows better how to live than the other? Or maybe it’s about wanting something the other side has. It’s always about the ego, always about wanting something that seemingly is being withheld from you. The ego never really ages beyond that kid in the sandbox screaming, ‘No, I want that ball. Give it to me.’ And that’s the dynamic between you and the narcissist. Both sides are demanding that the other side give them the ball!
Here’s the thing. You’re in there. You’re in the story line. Every time you take yourself out, every time you say, ‘Well, he did it.’ or ‘She’s to blame.’ You are relinquishing your sovereignty. You are handing the responsibility of YOUR feelings to someone else. How in the holy hell do you expect that to help you? You can’t act like the narcissist is Santa Claus and you’re walking up and asking him to give you your feelings for a Christmas present. Your feelings are yours. No one can create them or change them without your permission.
The narcissist’s behaviors are his or her own, but your belief about what those behaviors mean about you, that’s always been your choice.
This is the conversation that we need to be having, not about the narcissist or what happened in the past, but instead the feeling that it left inside you that has crawled into every part of your being and made you show up for life as less than. It’s the feeling that is keeping you stuck in anger, in blame and focused on a separate person that has nothing to do with you. Worse than that, it’s keeping you focused on so called ‘relationship problems’ instead of ‘life solutions’.
You feel unwanted.
Breathe that in and feel it. Feel the pain of that. Feel the knot in your stomach and the drooping of your shoulders. Feel those feelings of worthlessness. Feel it all. Take three deep breaths. With each exhale say, ‘I feel unwanted.’ See what happens by the third one. See what happens with that surrender. See what happens when you let the pain go.
When you show up in your life feeling unwanted it affects every aspect of your life. You won’t create. You won’t love. You won’t arrive in your life as its director. Instead you’ll show up as an extra in your own movie.
HOW YOU SHOW UP IS WHO YOU ARE!
Decide that you are wanted…BY YOU. Decide what being wanted looks like…FOR YOU. And then direct your movie as you like!