How to lose your ego and live a life free from the narcissist…

Miscellaneous

The ‘Narcissus’ is the name for the narcissistic ego that is running the show. It shows itself through entitlement, victimhood and a lack of empathy. 

The ‘Unwanted’ is the name for the ego that is running the show for the target of the ‘Narcissus.’  The ‘Unwanted’ shows itself through over-giving, negative self talk and pain-seeking behaviors.

Together these two egos dance a toxic tango that will not end until one of them leaves.  The ‘Unwanted’ is the endless storyline of lack in your life. The ‘Unwanted’ is protecting the inner-child in the same way that the ‘Narcissus’ is protecting its charge. 

The constant refrain in the world of narcissism is that the narcissist did something to you. He is to blame.  He lied. He cheated. He hurt you. He’s not giving you what you want.

And that’s how my theory concerning the ‘Unwanted’ was born. The ‘Unwanted’ is a very specific kind of ego formation.  It occurs when childhood needs aren’t met in a regular fashion, so there’s always that sense if you just try a little harder or are just that bit better that you will get the attention you crave. The more the child is met with intermittent reinforcement of affection, the stronger the ‘Unwanted’ grows to protect that child.  Ego formations aren’t exact replicas of one another.  That’s why we talk about the ‘male ego’, the ‘short man’s ego,’ the ‘beautiful girl’ ego, the ‘fat girl’ ego.  The ‘Unwanted’ is an ego formation like all egos that is designed to protect, but with each disappointment, each time the child’s needs aren’t met then the ‘Unwanted’ grows in scope and in blaming others for not getting what she wants.  This isn’t the inner child I’m talking about…no, the ‘Unwanted’ is closer to a well-meaning aunt who is bitter about life and doesn’t want you to suffer the same way she has, so she fills your head with negative scenarios that become self-fulfilling prophecies for you. 

The ‘Unwanted’ also rears her head in the beginning of your relationship with the ‘Narcissus’.  The ‘Unwanted’ is you at your most sparkling.  She’s the child that performed to get attention.  She’s the charm the inner child utilized to be seen when she was young. 

The ‘Unwanted’ loves you. She’s trying to protect you so that you’re never caught unawares again, but the problem is that she’s taking you through Navy Seal boot camp to prepare you for any eventuality, but with the ‘Unwanted’ hell week never ends and with each bad experience you have, the ‘Unwanted’ adds more exercises.

The ‘Unwanted’ expects pain.  She needs it to enhance her belief that she deserves it because that’s what she’s learned.  If no one is treating the ‘Unwanted’ like crap, what will she do with all of her free time?  

Shall I tell you?

If there’s no actual ‘Narcissus’ to torture her then she’ll go over the memory of the pain until it’s imprinted in her D.N.A. and she passes it onto her offspring. 

These are statements the ‘Unwanted’ loves. 

  • ‘No one can ever love me.’
  • ‘Nobody wants to get to know the real me.’
  • ‘People always use me.’
  • ‘Girls don’t like me.’
  • ‘Why can’t I ever be nice to someone without them taking advantage?’

Let’s look at it another way.

– Santa Claus is an over-aged pedophile who lures young children to him with the giving out of presents.  Once the gift is given Santa shoves the kid in the big red bag and absconds with him.

Or

– Santa Claus is a beloved grandfather avatar who brings the joy of giving to the holiday season. He represents the best of what it is to be human and children love him their whole lives.

The story of the two Santas is essentially the story of the the ‘Unwanted’ vs. the ‘Wanted’.  And for the ‘Unwanted’ one bad experience can become her life story.  She can paint every man she meets with the same brush, with the same story.  The ‘Unwanted’ can tell you the ending of every relationship she has from the very first day.  She writes the script and the ‘Narcissus’ simply plays the role.

Is your mind blown?

What I just wrote is exactly what is written about the ‘Narcissus’.  He assigns his partner a role to play and then gets disappointed when she fails.  The difference with the ‘Unwanted’ is that she’s happy when the ‘Narcissus’ succeeds.  She needs her pain reinforced and the ‘Narcissus’ is the perfect person to do that. 

Look at it yet another way.  When you wake up in the morning you can make a decision about how your day is going to go. Let’s say your alarm didn’t go off and you know you’re going to be late for work. Then you stub your foot, then the hot water isn’t working.  At this point you start swearing.  Your child starts to cry and now you’re dealing with a meltdown.

Or…

You’re going to be late for work, but  it’s the first time anything like this has happened and no one will judge you for it.  You stub your toe and the hot water isn’t working, but you say to yourself, ‘It’s the rule of three, glad I got all the bad stuff out of the way early.’  You hug your child, tell them how much they are loved and get on with your day, and it turns out you ended up with hardly any traffic and you were only ten minutes late.  

The question is really, how do you want to show up in your life?  The ‘Unwanted’ has been running the show for a very long time.  Are you happy?  Do you enjoy having relationships that destroy your sense of self?  Do you enjoy constantly feeling like there is something wrong with you?  My guess is that you hate it.  

The ‘Unwanted’ is a trickster. It isn’t enough for her to make you feel like you aren’t wanted.  She takes it a step further and also gets you to focus on all of those things that you don’t want in your life. She forces your attention to the negative and anyone with an even basic knowledge of the law of attraction knows that energy flows where attention goes. 

If all you ever think about is that you don’t want to be with a cheater and yet you are longing and focused on the person who cheated on you, what do you think that is doing to your psyche?

Or, you could focus on, ‘I want a loyal, kind man who makes me laugh.  Just that, nothing more.  The longer that image stays in your brain the less the other person remains relevant.  The brain can’t hold two competing thoughts at the same time.

Affirmations to interrupt the ‘Unwanted’ in your relationships

‘I want a man who looks at me like he’s found God.’

‘I want a man who cuddles after sex.’

‘I want a man who calls me just because he wants to hear my voice.’

‘I want a man with integrity.’

I want a man I can be vulnerable with.

‘I want a man I can be authentic with.’

‘I want a man who reads.’

‘I want a man who travels.’

‘I want a man who meditates.’

‘I want a man who is kind to others.’

‘I want a man who is loyal.’

‘I want a man who is emotionally available.’

When you look at that list how does it make you feel?  Happy?  Or is your first reaction that no man like that exists?  That second reaction is coming from the ‘Unwanted.  What will she do if you stop being negative?  What will she feed on?  Where will her pain come from? Will she disappear forever?  

The ‘Unwanted’ is going to fight you.  She doesn’t want to go anywhere.  Did you know that the brain is naturally wired for negativity, to be on guard?  It’s how your ancestors survived as hunters and gatherers.  Unfortunately for you when those days ended, that hyper vigilance turned into the ‘Unwanted.’ And instead of being wary about predators, she’s wary of positive emotions.

‘Don’t you understand,’ the ‘Unwanted’ wants to shout, ‘You need me.  Without me, what are you?’  In actuality what you are is happy and healthy, but that isn’t really in the ‘Unwanted’s’ wheelhouse.

Patterns make us feel good. Patterns make us feel we are right.  The problem is the wrong patterns can lead to a lifetime of pain.  Choose new patterns and choose a new life.

For more ways to eliminate the ‘Unwanted’ from your life, please see my blog next week.

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Catherine Stuckey, M.A.
Founder
Having taught English for years I never thought I’d be translating what the narcissist says to other people.

I’ve spent four years researching the world of narcissism, through work, dating and personal interviews. My mission is to help others recognize narcissism and through this recognition stop the narcissistic cycle from continuing.

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